Twittering at the table. Hi George!

Follow the real me on Twitter at @laughitoff.

As we get set to celebrate Independence Day let’s ponder the question: What did the Founding Fathers eat? Let’s begin with John Adams. After reading David McCollough’s biography Adams became one of my favorites. Perhaps you watched the movie on HBO? When it comes to food John Adams is a man after my own heart.

I certainly never met a diet fad I didn’t at least investigate. And in his day Adams was accused of being a “food faddist” as well. According to Dr. Zebra’s extensive research, at one point, Adams was on a then trendy eating plan called the “milk diet.” He avoided meats, spices and spirits and ate bread, milk, veggies and water on the diet.

Sometimes Adams would even purge himself by “taking a vomit” of tartar emtic and turpeth mineral. Ah, tartar emtic, good stuff. Anyway, Adams said the purge “worked seven times and wrecked me.” Which totally could be me when I do the Cabbage Soup Diet.

It is not a new phenomenon to pursue happiness through the right diet. Without Adams’ intellect, perseverance and character our great nation may not exist. But amid things like, oh, founding the Navy he also struggled with diet and health. We can all relate to his struggle. (I mean his struggle with food is relatable. I can’t begin to understand the quality of person who can invent a country. The dieting I get.)

It wasn’t all diets and vomit. “The Atlas of Independence” liked spirits and in fact since alcoholic beverages were safer to drink than water and could be stored “tippling” was fairly common to the founders.

During the Revolutionary War in May of 1777 the sea lanes were constrained. Adams was in Philadelphia and couldn’t get his favorite drink which is believed to be Madeira wine. He wrote these lines to his beloved wife Abigail:

“I would give three guineas for a barrel of your cyder. Not one drop of it to be had here for gold, and wine is not to be had under sixty-eight dollars per gallon, and that very bad. I would give a guinea for a barrel of your beer. A small beer here is wretchedly bad. In short, I am getting nothing that I can drink, and I believe I shall be sick from this cause alone. Rum is forty shillings a gallon, and bad water will never do in this hot climate in summer where acid liquors are necessary against infection.”

John Adams lived to be 90 and died on July 4th, 1826. Pretty good evidence that Madeira wine is good for the Constitution.

1. Immediately eat a reward meal.

2. Tell ourselves, “Self, you’ve been good and one day off plan can’t hurt?”

3. Decide we’re all set, we got this knocked, we know how to lose weight, and can do it any time we want.

4. Expect that the second ten pounds will come off as easy as the first ten. (It is a little known weight loss fact that the fat layers that lurk beneath the first ten pounds are made of granite. That means removing them is more difficult than the first ten pound. The upside, you can put hot pots and pans right on that fat layer. It’s impervious to everything.)

5. Put on jeans from 1990 because we should be able to fit into them after losing some weight. (Nothing makes you want to give up your diet more than when AFTER you’ve been eating like an angel for months and your big toe doesn’t even fit in your 1990 skinny jeans.) Woot.

As always, I started out the year with the best of intentions.  Ok, but my vacation starts in 12 days. Everyone all together now…FLARG!!!!!!

I’m in crisis mode. Sirens blaring! Time to bust out my time honored tricks for dealing with fat emergencies such as this. Obviously, these are good for vacations, weddings, class reunions, trips to the grocery store etc…

1. 1. Get a tan! It’s a scientifically proven fact that tan fat looks better than white fat. Sure, overexposure to the sun causes cancer etc. But you can get a spray tan, tan-in-a-can, whatever your pleasure.
2. 2. Buy cute new outfits.Even if they are a size or two bigger than you were hoping, there’s something confidence-boosting for me when my clothes are all new and shiny. Plus, everyone knows that Old Navy sizes are true and accurate anyway.
3. 3. Get better self-esteem! Er…I’m working on this. I know it’s much better to feel good than to look good and I should like me for me anyway. In the meantime though…
4. 4. Self-medicate. Seriously, booze and xanax (though not together) makes me look soooooo much skinnier.

And in regards to #2, I bought 3 new bathing suits. I’m going for a Suit of Confusion, but in a brown paisley version. Also a faux tankini. Like a tankini but really a one piece so I’m hoping to avoid the trapped belly fat of the original version. I’ll tell you how it works out.

-OR

Care to share any of YOUR Vacation Fat Emergency tips? I need all the help I can get.

This week Fat Fighter TV gave us some great ideas to add a little zip to our water. I mean if you have to drink 48 to 64 ounces of the stuff it may as well be fun!

I love Lucy. I am Lucy. Is Lucy in you?

Rebecca is still in the throes of home improvement woes. I’m low carbing my brains off (yes off, not out…I seriously think my head has gotten smaller). In the midst of it all, we’re planning a wedding shower this weekend for our cousin.

Here’s the deal…we need help with ideas DTBMULFers. We’ve decided we don’t really like shower games. We’d rather do something that’ll result in a keepsake for the bride. Any ideas? (now…of course…I could’ve put recipe cards or something in w/ the invitations, but that would have involved NOT procrastinating…is there a better word for that? Concrastinating. Anti-crastinating?)

So, have any of you been to a shower that you thought was totally cool? ‘Cuz we want to be totally cool and we can’t do it unless we rip off the idea from someone else? Also…we’re not eating anything this week. Seriously. This whole goal of making a “lifestyle change” isn’t working. It’s all about losing a few lbs at this point. (I am bad, bad, bad!)

On Father’s Day, after several weeks of angelically eating only good carbohydrates, I experienced multiple carbgasms. My personal Hunger Monster won.  Below is a refresher on the definition of carbgasm.

Today I am submitting a new word: Remorsel - feeling of guilt after engaging in carbgasms. “Bertha is filled with remorsel after the the birthday party yesterday.”

DTBMULF Dictionary

burglarfries- The car French fries eaten on the way home from the drive-thru.
carbgasm- The sensation experienced when one breaks with a no-carbohydrate diet. Moaning often accompanies a carbgasm.
cudge- The chunka under your actual chin
flabulous- Compliment given to person successfully disguising fat rolls. As in “You look flabulous in that kaftan.”
hexercise- A curse hurled at exercise equipment by a coven of witches.
fwad- Fat wads, as in “This sports bra has increased the number of fwads on my back.”
fwap- Sound generated by several fwads (see above) rubbing together.
special dispensation - The phenomenon granted by special papal decree whereby all items dispensed from a vending machine are calorie free
squinching - The secret clenching associated with trying not to cut one during yoga
vanity pounds - The last ten pounds before goal.
Apollonia pounds -Measured in Keteras
Dtbmulf - Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat? (pronounced dit-be-mulf)
Dtbmulfer - Friends of Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?
Dtbmulf Man - Any man who answers no to the question “Does this (insert any noun) make me look fat?”