Aggghhhh. I looked everywhere for this. A classic from a class act. Enjoy. Happy late Mother’s Day.

My “skinny” season is off. Planet Greta is suffering from some kind of climate disonance. Here’s what’s been happening every year and it’s an inconvenient truth so I’d like Al Gore to get on this problem.

I’ve found that I a two to three month peak “good body” season. All the planets align and I finally get fed up with myself and stick to whatever diet/exercise plan I’ve been putting off. And I LOSE THE EVERLOVIN’ WEIGHT. I call this my Skinny Season. But MY Skinny Season always coincides with sweater weather. I call it Skinny Season everyone else calls it Back-to-School season.

I’d like my skinny season to actually coincide with the period of the year when I’m the most naked. (the season formerly known as summer) See in January, I think “oh, I’ve got 3-4 months before I’ve got to put a bathing suit on, no worries, pass the honeybuns.” I think the same thing in March, April, and May. It isn’t usually until around July or August that I panic and go all Atkins-y.

I’ll usually lose about 10 pounds by the time school starts and be “skinny” from September to Christmas (if I’m lucky) and it starts all over again. It’s not fair…I can’t wear a bathing suit in October! To Work!

What about you? Do you have a skinny season? Are you able to get it together by swimsuit-wearin’ time? Do you believe in Polar Bears?

Take a look at this YouTube link on the Ped Egg commercial  if you haven’t seen the ad on t.v. OR watch below. If you don’t feel like doing either… just trust me. The Ped Egg is an ovum shaped cheese grater (it reminds me of the space craft Mork From Ork Traveled here in) that will shear off body parts and is only intended to assist your pedicure. But now the diet experts the total amateurs here at DTBMULF have developed a diet based on the Ped Egg. And also don’t forget we’re not a doctor so if you want to escape unscathed race walk away from here immediately. Remember to swing your arms for maximum calorie burning when fleeing.

10 Pound Ped Egg Diet

Step One- Use Ped Egg on your feet like the demo video for smooth sandal ready feet. Bid adieu to 2 Pounds of foot sludge!
Step Two- Rub Ped Egg on your thighs. You might experience slight “burning” that’s the 2 pounds will hemorrhaging away!
Step Three- Grate Ped Egg on your stomach. Be advised you’ll have to avoid the bikinis due to the bleeding. Bleeding is a small price to pay for that flat tummy and saying good night nurse to 2 pounds of gut fat!
Step Four- Watch Ped Egg commercial before each meal. You’ll be amazed at the appetite suppressant properties. Do this for one short day and you’ll swallow nothing at mealtime except a violent little gag. But you should have no trouble swallowing your new fabulousness with 4 more pounds gone!

For today, we want to do a kind of “old and new” post. We’ve made some new supercool blog friends in the past couple of weeks and wanted to give a shout out. If you’d like some blogroll love, please drop us a line.

First, there’s MPM over at the MentalPause Chronicles. She’s awesome unless you were her college English professor. If so, sorry, you’re screwed buddy. Also…she luuuuurves her some earthworms. Send her pictures Next, is MPM’s friend Annie B over at the Tombstone Chronicler. She also loves earthworms and the South Beach Diet. Did I mention she loooooooooves the South Beach Diet? We are also deeply enjoying Noble Pig who is supercute and takes the most scrumptious pictures of food. And there’s Crazy Texas Mommy. This woman is totally sniffing my brand of crazy, is all I’m saying Coming in in wee hours of the night is Casey. I loooove this girl’s blog and hope she comes back and stays awhile. :)  Then there is Mamatulip. She’s in a class by herself is all I can say! Much love.

If you’ve got any suggestions for other cool places we should visit, send ‘em on over.

For the old…we thought it was time to revamp/revisit the DTBMULF Dictionary. We think we’ve got a nice start, but are always looking for new/funny content. Thanks to Angela again for coming through with a new and spot on word. This is just volume I of the dictionary. You can click on the “dictionary” link to the left if you’d like to see more. Here she blows…

DTBMULF Dictionary

burglarfries- the car French fries eaten on the way home from the drive-thru
carbgasm- the sensation experienced when one breaks with a no-carbohydrate diet. Moaning often accompanies a carbgasm.

carb lag - the feeling you get after no-carbing it then blowing the no-carbing it while on vacation **new**
cudge- the chunka under your actual chin
flabulous- compliment given to person successfully disguising fat rolls. As in “You look flabulous in that kaftan.”
hexercise- A curse hurled at exercise equipment by a coven of witches. (or Kiki)
fwad- fat wads, as in “This sports bra has increased the number of fwads on my back.”
fwap- sound generated by several fwads (see above) rubbing together
Lard Lookers - Greta’s delusional weight loss plan
special dispensation - the phenomenon granted by special papal decree whereby all items dispensed from a vending machine are calorie free
squinching - the secret clenching associated with trying not to cut one during yoga
vanity pounds - the last ten pounds before goal
Apollonia pounds -measured in Keteras
Ditbemulf - Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?
Ditbemulfer - Friends of Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?
Ditbemulf Man - Any man who answers No to the question “Does this (insert any noun) make me look fat?”

Please feel free to enter your word for consideration by the esteemed academic committee.

The price of every thing is going up. And I like to buy everything. The food crisis and reports of rationing at bulk food superstores are enough portent of doom-wise to fire a low grade panic in this binge eater. So to take control of my own family’s destiny and to stave off my post-apocalyptic nightmare anxiety I’m going to grow vegetables. Or I should say that I’m going to TRY to grow vegetables. Usually things grow on my vegetables due to lack of use in my crisper… so this will be a switch. I’m hoping to save money and my entire family through tomato and zucchini.

First up I searched my yard for a spot.  I think this is perfect. The garden hose is right there so I won’t have to haul water AND it’s near the kitchen so I can pinch off the herbs and add them right to my Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for that special touch.

Now you may wonder.. what’s that white bag thingy currently acting as a focal point for my future vegetable garden? Jimmy Hoffa? Amelia Earhart? Or the Christmas Tree? Yeah it’s the Christmas Tree. Before I can dig out a garden in this perfect spot I either have to take the tree to the recycle place, the Island of Misfit Toys, or just spray it with Rustoleum and use it next year.

And that garbage can? I don’t know what’s in it and I am afraid to open it. But try to throw away a garbage can. You can’t.

Garden experts recommend that you keep a log as you work in the dirt. So welcome to the dirty little log of this Virgin Garden(er.)  And since this a diet blog I think it fits in because I’m growing veggies, they’re zero points PLUS it’s like physical labor right? Win-win.

I hear Martha Stewart is very worried about my burgeoning home and garden empire. She should be she really should be.