I have to admit. In real life I’m known to drop an f-bomb more than your average suburban wife and mother. I rarely curse at work because I try to comport myself in a professional manner. Not swearing in the office is a part of being a professional. Unless you’re a sailor. I have never heard a sailor swear but in my personal life I’ve been described as someone who can swear like a sailor so I’m extrapolating that they do indeed take swearing to the next level. But at home, it’s bombs away. Furthermore I believe I’m at my funniest when I let the language fly.

When my children were very little I curbed my enthusiasm for cussing after the 3-year-old pondered aloud in frustration “where is my GD Green Power Ranger?” Then the next day, faced with some sort of perplexing toddler dilemma, the child uttered from the car seat “what the friggin’ he** is this?” Instead of mama or dada my own grandmother suggested to me that my newborn’s first words would likely be “that sucks.” Due to my affinity for that phrase. I tried to cool it after those lovely parenting moments.

Fast forward a few years to now, the kids are not toddlers and I do not restrain my language. I began to write for this blog and naturally incorporated my extensive curse word vocabulary into the drafts. I chuckled at my oh-so-humorous dirty word skills. F-Bombs were even more effective in print.

Then I paused. I had trouble hitting the publish button. My goodness, fiddledeedee, what ever was my problem? I am a free-wheeling funny gal blogger. I should be able to drop a bomb and use some of my other favorite curse words and pornographic anatomical descriptions to HILLARIOUS effect in this forum. What the he.. ck? Plus we’re talking diets, fat and weight loss. If ever I use ugly language it is when I’m talking about what a FAT@SS I am. Or how FLOOGING hungry I feel, or how GOOD DARMED confusing the SON OF BENCHING diet industry makes me. Really, I’m filled to the brim with great swearing in relation to this topic. But somehow I couldn’t do it.

I’ve been thinking about why not. Why not swear? I love so many bloggers that do. They crack me up and I have nothing but love for them and the words. I believe in free speech. Totally. What I’ve determined is I can’t swear PUBLICLY. My problem isn’t with the words it’s that I’m totally a priss when it comes to putting them “out there.” I have no problem using the words in real life. Is it that I am not evolved as a blogger? Is it that I can’t really tap into my authentic voice? Or is it that maybe – I’m trying to be better. Is it that along with cleaning up my diet I’m trying to clean up my language, at least online? Is there a connection between learning to discipline my body and disciplining my language? Or am I just a-scared that my fist grade teacher will read this and FIND OUT?

What I know is that I will be cultivating fake swear words for use in my blog posts. I realize this is just as juvenile as swearing but it is where I am right now. Below is a list of some initial alternatives. Maybe with this method it will be very clear that if I ever DO drop an f-bomb here it is because I’m bucking serious. And since I’m probably at odds with the entire internet I expect the comments section to be filled with profanity, directed fairly and squarely at my fat@ss.

Bombs away.

good darmed, son of a bench, fat@ss, hot sheet, sheet for brains, frack, fracking, sholy hit, ding hole, duck wad, flooging, grass hole, anyword-bag…

You get the drift… please feel free to add to my list… I’ll need it as I’m not doing too well on the diet and it’s fizzing me off.