Getting a Spray Tan


Dancing with the Stars airs tonight and really it combines two things I’m interested in, losing weight and tanning. I also like sequins and it has tons of those.

Marie Osmond says Dancing with the Stars AND Nutri-System helped her shed 40 pounds. I am some what disheartened by this because these stars are spending all day dancing. Who can exercise 4 hours a day? Lottery winners and Madonna. That’s it. Really. If 4 hours of exercise is the requirement I better just get used to this size.

What I can commit to is the spray tan aspect of Dancing with the Stars. I recounted my tanning journey the other day. It was a saga that will no doubt lead to the Land of the Suspicious Looking Moles. But since I no longer have time to exercise or lay around by the pool I too have followed the steps of the dancers and have experienced a spray tan.

Because public service is what I’m all about here’s what to expect if you get a spray tan. First you have to exfoliate. This means you rub loofah or some other rough thing all over your parts. This way you rid your skin of uh..  foliates. Or in laymen’s terms dead skin gets SUPER TAN and you don’t want to be that tan on your elbows.

I chose a spray tan place close to the strip clubs because I reasoned – if strippers come here it must be good. (But to give credit where credit is due I think Socrates said that first in the original Latin.)

First you’ve got to watch a video on how to stand in the booth. For safety of course. Then they give you goggles but I was advised by one of the strippers that the goggles are unnecessary. You only need to protect your eyes if you need to like read or something later.  A shower cap protects your hair extensions or in my case the cap shields my soccer mom-bob-cut.  Then comes the lotion. Slather up the tops of your feet, hand and toe webbing, knees, elbows and palms. Anywhere you think a tan would look odd ought to have the lotion barrier. It’s like a force field. I was also cautioned not to put lotion on the bottom of your feet. Two reasons for not lubing up the bottom of your feet: One, you’re standing on them and so they won’t get sprayed; and Two you’ll be slipperier than a stripper pole fulla baby oil if you lotion up the soles of your feet fool. I follow the advice because I don’t want to look like an amateur.

I was also cautioned that the spray tan booth might induce a panic, it’s small and the tan stuff sort of explodes at you. The employees at the spray tan place said I should just calm down and remember that the spray tan was not napalm. It was good haze and it would make me pretty. I was told to stand with my arms out so the jets would get everywhere.

The strippers send me in with good wishes. I steel my resolve entered the booth. I pressed the button and closed my eyes. A menacing hum rattles the walls and then BAM! It’s like a someone threw a tan grenade in the booth. I do experience the urge to scream and run but I muscle it down. Then BAM! Another bomb goes off and my backside is hosed down by the tan machine. I remember from my video that the second BAM should be it in terms of explosive emissions from the booth. I tried to hold my breath because I don’t think inhaling tan vapor is a good idea for healthy health. Plus I worried that tan inner nostrils might indeed look odd. I forced myself to stay calm as the vapor settled. I’d been advised that I had paid for every drop of this fake tan and to walk out now would be like throwing singles away. I worked hard for those singles. (wait, I didn’t, the strippers did, I wrote a check)

But that was it. I bid adieu to my new friends.  A few hours later I was a toned golden goddess. Well okay not toned. But my body did have the illusion of health and fitness. And really that was my goal to seem healthy and fit. I don’t have the time to actually BE healthy and fit but if I seem it to others emission accomplished.

So I hope this helped if you’re considering a spray tan.  If you’re planning to exercise for 4 hours a day. I got nothin.


30 Responses to “Getting a Spray Tan”
  1. furiousball says:

    I need a spray on heart first

  2. Kiki says:

    We clearly need to see The Wizard.

  3. Angela says:

    If I only had a brain…….

    I wish I could comment more but I’m terribly busy today.

    Thinking thin thought…..Ooooommmmmm

  4. Bridget says:

    Having been to furiousball’s site, I trust I can speak for us all: You are nothing BUT heart.

    Meanwhile, I have tan-in-a-can and am the worst at the application process.

    And, four hours? Not a chance!

  5. I only need to know if it tickles. If it does, I think that just might be ok …

  6. Harmony says:

    LOL…I did my first spray on tan a couple of years ago. After seeing Ross on “Friends” get one. I just knew that I would not turn when I was supposed to and get double sprayed on the front..but in the end I did manage to get my tan without any mishaps. But it was all I could do to not lmao the whole time. Congrats on your new golden healthy and fit bod!

  7. HRH says:

    OMG. That Socrates is one smart tanner. I was also wondering after reading your account if you should have applied some of that magic lotion to the inside of your nose so that you could breathe?

  8. Claudia says:

    I’ve always wondered if I’d like a spray tan. How long did it last? Did you see any mistakes? I mean it sounds like an awful lot of work and if you forget to loofah a spot, will you end up blotchy??

  9. You have just convinced me never to get a spray tan.

    PS. This was featured on GoodMom/BadMom so get down with your bad self.

  10. ambien says:

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  11. cialis says:

    Hi webmaster!

  12. Bird says:

    It’s strange that some that some people recommend that you should exfoliate with baking soda. Baking soda is basic and it’s my understanding that the skin tans better when it is more acidic.

  13. Spray tan makes you look hot and dances are no exception

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  15. This topic is quite trendy in the net at the moment. What do you pay attention to while choosing what to write about?

  16. Soggybottom says:

    just a little aside…Marie O did seem to lose weight while dancing; but am i the only one who thought the little gymnast (she won, didn’t she)sorta looked like a cement block-no weight loss there IMO…as for spray tanning—do you get fingerprint marks where you hold your tummy fat pads up? just wondering…

  17. cutecute says:

    i am fair, and i really like to try this product . This is awesome.
    .-= cutecute´s last blog ..Various Nail Arts for Dogs =-.

  18. Nathan Lee says:

    i used to buy those expensive fat pads on malls.'”-

  19. Liam Price says:

    i am looking for cheap fat pads, can someone tell me a store that sells them cheap?.-:

  20. Aidan Webb says:

    i am looking for cheap fat pads, can someone tell me a store that sells them cheap?.;*

  21. the fat pads that are being sold on our local store are quite cheap, i bought several of them today~~~

  22. fat pads are not great for the body, i really want to lose them-*;

  23. oh i just hate the fat pads that i got, my fat pad is just genetics so i can’t do anything about it -“‘


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