Ask DTBMULF
Frequently we get questions into the offices of DoesThisBlogMakeUsFat? In addition to questions people find our site with Google Searches. Those searches show how desperate, searching, and confused we all are. And since we want to be a beacon of light in the dark internets we thought it time to answer a few questions. So here we go.. the search is over… love is right before your eyes.
Dear DTBMULF how many calories are in belly button lint? The expert nutritionists here could not find and actual caloric number for belly button lint. What we’ve done is calculate the calories in cotton candy since it is of a similar consistency. A whole serving of cotton candy is around 220 calories. And unless you are some sort of circus freak your belly button can only hold a small fraction of a serving of cotton candy. PLUS your belly button lint is sugar free, cotton candy is sugar laden. So we’ve calculated that belly button lint is approximately 10 calories and fat free. Limiting snacks to navel lint fits into most diet plans. Also consider removing the lint and throwing it away. That will be 0 calories ingested PLUS you’ll lose the .05 oz of the actual weight of the lint. If you are Patricia Heaton and have no belly button you can skip this question.
Dear DTBMULF Does lotion make you fat?Our gut reaction to this questions was-no you boob. But then we did a little research. Turns out there is a school of thought that says certain chemicals in lotions and cosmetics interfere with the hormones. Stay with me here, we’re adding another layer of research… our viewing of Oprah when Dr. Oz is on indicates that hormone imbalances can cause us to be fat. So it’s possible that lotion MIGHT make you fat. Hmm? What do you know. Regardless our position here at DTBMULF is that we’re going to keep moisturizing. We like our skin to look dewy and since we can’t lose weight it appears we’re going to have extra skin and we want it soft and silky. And if you’re EATING lotion - we don’t know what. Just stop.
Dear DTBMULF should you rub in spray tan? No. Let the vapor settle on to your skin and then dry. You should also not rub spray tan workers the wrong way. If they don’t like you they might fill those spray jets with say dark orange color or torquise and you could walk out of there like something ejected from Willie Wonka.
Dear DTBMULF how long does a spray tan last and does it get blotchy? The color from a spray tan lasted on me (Kiki) for about a week. Then you’ll need to get a Brillo pad or Ped Egg and do some sloughing off. You can expect to lose skin and blood in this process and well we don’t have to tell you this is win-win weight loss wise. Doesn’t seven epidermal layers seem excessive… like two kidneys… come on… we’re downsizing here.
Dear DTBMULF you mentioned offices, where are your offices headquartered? We have offices in New York, Paris, Dubai and Hong Kong with off-site telecommuting locations in Kiki’s lap and Greta’s kitchen table.
I have a question … how does chocolate-covered bacon float yer boats?
And one more: Where does the naval lint collect if you have an outie?
just pretend i wrote something super witty here.
Well, I’m just really lucky I guess. I can no longer find my belly button, and I gave up eating my lotion years ago. I must be ahead of the game.
Ooo chocolate covered bacon….
Furious – that’s not a far stretch….you crack me up in the most disturbing kinda way!
Alrighty gals and guys….it’s official. I’m a weight watcher once again. Back to smaller portions and more veggies. Not a bad thing considering I’m on a life long journey. When and if I get a hankerin’ for a pound of bacon, I’ll go all Atkinsy on you again. Now if I can just get my ass on a piece of exercise equipment. Not that it has gotten so large it won’t fit – I just have no motivation. See, I really think I look good in my new bathing suit! I skipped right over the skinny season and dove head first into the season of delusion!!
zOMG! Those were hilarious. Yeah, I concur, the Oompa Loompa look is uh not a winning image in our modern day & age unless perhaps you work at a chocolate factory.
I have done quite extensive research of the following:
It has been proved beyond a reasonable doubt that
calories don’t count if you eat standing up! I’m now
about around, oh, 10 hours a day.
I think navel lint has only 20 calories, a perfect low-cal snack!
Luna – Lint is just one less life thing for outies to worry about.
furious – you did we just aren’t subtle enough to get it.. see?
MPM – you’re like a guru of lotion abstinence
Angela – welcome back to WW baby!! Delusions are fine I’m sitting here counting my six pack abs right now.
Stephanie – you’re site is so cool.. thanks being cool here too
annbb – tru dat, zero calories on everything after 8pm too.
noble – probably low carb too!
your not you’re I do that EVERY time sonofa
I have a question… what is for dinner?
Vodka – it’s what’s for dinner.
OK, a) I want/need to learn how to make my own sassy cartoons! And b) I must say, spray tans look great on me, but I agree…after about four days, it looks a bit diseased and I need to do some seriously hardcore scrubbing.
Weighting Game did you just say my cartoons were “sassy” can I put that up as a rave review? I slave over them and now this love. Seriously thank you. I was afraid it was me revealing each post one post at a time my how nuts I really am. Oh wait.. it is. But thank you WG. Totally made my day/morning. Happy Dance.