Vacation Bathing Suit


 Hello all! I’m back from vacation in the land of shorts and bathing suits. I have not weighed myself yet. I’ve decided to give myself two days of reasonable eating before I step on the scale. If the scale reveals a superbad mad high number at least I’ll already be back on my eating plan and can absorb the blow.

Meanwhile I’ll show you the saviour of my vacation. In addition to the fabulous fat obscuring spray tan I found this bathing suit.

Striped Bathing Suit  Back of Striped Bathing Suit

The whacked out stripes created confusion in the minds of all who viewed me in the bathing suit. One saw the stripes and questioned their very existence. Is that her waste? Is that a roll? Is that a white stripe or a black stripe? I also reclined on a striped towel thus completely stupefying anyone who saw me in this number. I had many people say.. I like your bathing suit? (upward inflect that bathing suit and you’ll  get a sense of how I know my plan to confuse worked brilliantly)

In addition to confusing other poolside vacationers with my striped suit I felt fairly safe near sharks. Back in the 1970s I recall learning from the Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom that sharks get muddled when they observe striped sea life. So one garment rendered me safe from sharks AND judgement. Pretty good.

And before you get all “that suit’s tiny” you should know it’s not. I don’t quite fit in it either. (There was a lot of tucking of stuff going on in between Mai Tais.) If you’re looking to buy this beauty for yourself I got it at Target and it was the last larger size of this style I could find. Happy hunting land sharks.

 P.S.  This suit worked so well that I’m seriously considering designing a bathing suit line with “eyeball confuser” as my style guide. The suits would be paired with Magic Eye towels so that other beach goers wouldn’t know what the hell hit them. It’s much easier to give other people headaches than actually diet I think!


22 Responses to “Vacation Bathing Suit”
  1. when I look at it from direction, I see a candlestick…from the other direction, a woman in profile. Total optical illusion!
    I got a spray tan, too, for a wedding this weekend – I love that stuff. Though breathing it in makes me fear for my life…

  2. Kiki says:

    See it’s a psychological test!! Not a bathing suit.

  3. MizFit says:

    what about a full body suit.

    neck to ankles

    like a skin suit.

    a birthday suit.

    there’s your OPRAH’S COUCH MILLION DOLLAR IDEA, woman!

  4. Put me on the oder list…welcome home! Greta was out of control…

  5. Um, Order List…

  6. furiousBall says:

    i think if you breakdanced … brokedanced? on a red striped towel (like the pic) it would appear that you were floating

  7. …from The Flummoxing LineTM of beachwear.

    For Her.

  8. Harmony says:

    Wait…there was a swimsuit on that towel…where?

    “one garment rendered me safe from sharks AND judgement”.
    That is pretty good, you should make a whole line of clothing…confusing the people and predators all around us!

  9. Kiki says:

    I like it.. Flummoxed. When you have to wear a suit but don’t want anyone to understand it.

  10. HRH says:

    I love this. I think the eyeball confuser suit would be a great hit. Please let me pre-order one.

  11. noble pig says:

    I am just cracking up at the whacked out stripes creating confusion, so hilarious!

  12. Mama Zen says:

    That’s even cooler than camo!

  13. You are too funny! And I’m now off to Target website to look up that suit. Think they make pants and blouses, too? Full body illusion is what I’m after.

    Welcome home!

  14. Tammy says:

    DON’T WEIGH YOURSELF! Let the fit of your clothes tell you what’s going on. And resort to crossing your eyes and more stripes, if you must!!!

    Look what my good bud found while you were on vacation:

  15. Boshena says:

    I want the suit as a shark repellent. I live in
    Australia and every year couple of people get bitten on
    our beach (mostly tourists so its OK -just joking), this y
    year a young surfer got killed, so I would really love
    to have a suit like that.

  16. Kel says:

    Wow I had to look at those pictures a few times before I
    realized that one is the front, one is the reverse. Those
    stripes sure confused my eyes.

  17. Kiki says:

    Boshena I’m not kidding on the shark thing… that TOTALLY freaks me out so anything to foil those chompers.

    Kel..see.. it works.. you are getting very sleepy.

  18. Lotta says:

    It’s quite frightening that I think any swimsuit without a skirt is shocking these days.

  19. Grumpus says:

    A brilliant scheme!! That bathing suit makes my eyes
    recoil, and my shoulder blades feel squirmy,
    and short-term amnesia ensues!
    If a Cloak of Invisibility is not found forthwith,
    I must get one of these beauties for the ’08 beach

  20. Jaden says:



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