Vacation Fat Emergency


As always, I started out the year with the best of intentions. Kiki has reported that since starting this blog, she has lost 13 pounds. Woot! I, unfortunately, have ended up with a net gain of about 6 lbs. She’s lucky I’m contractually required to think she is awesome. 😉

 Ok, but my vacation starts in 12 days. Everyone all together now…FLARG!!!!!!

hazmatgirlI’m in crisis mode. Sirens blaring! Time to bust out my time honored tricks for dealing with fat emergencies such as this. Obviously, these are good for vacations, weddings, class reunions, trips to the grocery store etc…

  1. Get a tan! It’s a scientifically proven fact that tan fat looks better than white fat. Sure, overexposure to the sun causes cancer etc. But you can get a spray tan, tan-in-a-can, whatever your pleasure.
  2. Buy cute new outfits.Even if they are a size or two bigger than you were hoping, there’s something confidence-boosting for me when my clothes are all new and shiny. Plus, everyone knows that Old Navy sizes are true and accurate anyway.
  3. Get better self-esteem! Er…I’m working on this. I know it’s much better to feel good than to look good and I should like me for me anyway. In the meantime though…
  4. Self-medicate. Seriously, booze and xanax (though not together) makes me look soooooo much skinnier.

And in regards to #2, I bought 3 new bathing suits. I’m going for Kiki’s Suit of Confusion, but in a brown paisley version. Also a faux tankini. Like a tankini but really a one piece so I’m hoping to avoid the trapped belly fat of the original version. I’ll tell you how it works out.

Vacation Bathing Suit2             -OR   Vacation Bathing Suit

 Oooh, and there’s also secret #5. Steal Pasty White Mannequin and Insert In Place of Greta if Anyone Whips Out a Camera!

Care to share any of YOUR Vacation Fat Emergency tips? I need all the help I can get.


22 Responses to “Vacation Fat Emergency”
  1. I don’t know how healthy it is but I usually go no-carb for about a week before a vacation if I need to lose weight.

  2. MizFit says:

    we get a vacation?

  3. I gave Kiki some wonderful advice on her vacation which she later said saved her. I am currently on vacation myself and my brilliant tips have not helped me one bit. I’m eating like a … well, like a person on vacation.

    Here’s looking forward to Day One #88.

  4. Candance says:

    I’m a big believer of the tan fat looking better than
    the white fat, but gal, I mess up that spray stuff
    every time. I hit the old tanning bed and, in a pinch, I
    use that Jergens stuff. I also get highlights or get my
    roots done right before I leave for vacation. I figure
    if everyone is mesmerized by my great tan and cute hair,
    they won’t notice my lard a**, which is freaking me out
    because I am having a hard time getting the lard off and
    that has never, ever happened in my whole life. I wonder
    if David would be able to break-up with me just long
    enough for me to drop 10 pounds? I think I’ll go wake
    him up and ask!

    Have fun on vacation!!!

  5. LMAO! I am so glad you stopped by and left your URL. Your blog cracks me up :)

    I am totally guilty of doing the tan-in-a-can recently for a trip. I also tried a new haircut (that ended up being a butcher job). I SO need to invest in a tankini as well. I’m just fooling myself with the suits I’m still holding onto.

  6. Lori says:

    Don’t go unless everyone else is bigger than you!!

  7. Tan fat is soooo much better…

    Dammit – I just saw I show (I think) on how to look your best in photographs. It was something along the line of always have your picture taken in profile and have the photographer stoop down so he’s shooting up at you. It’s what all the models do to look skinnier – as if they need to!

    If I remember where I saw it I’ll come back. Maybe Mental Mama will remember….

    Have a great vaca!

    BTW – joined WW 2 weeks ago. First week lost 5.4 lbs. YIPEE! Second week, gained 3.4 lbs. And so it goes…

  8. furiousBall says:

    what is this vacation thing that you speak of?

  9. Kel says:

    Vacation is about relaxing and having fun, yes? Not that
    I’d know since I haven’t taken a vacation in forever! But
    I did take the kids to the beach for the day just last
    week, so we could call that a vacation maybe. So does
    that qualify me to give assvice?

    I did wear a t-shirt over my suit as I always do because I burn so easily, but I just didn’t care what anyone else there thought of my fat ass, belly roll or farmer tan. Alas it was at a state park so no vodka was allowed, yet I enjoyed an awesome day with my kids.

  10. Best of luck. I tend to do it the unhealthy way of surviving on grapefuit and hard alcohol for the week prior to a beach vacation. I start out the vacation looking hot and by the third day I look about the same (if not worse) as I did prior to this little trip down restriction lane. Therefore, I do not recommend my plan.

  11. noble pig says:

    Ha, love those suits and new clothes really do have that effect!

  12. Kiki says:

    I love it… I will no longer vacation with people smaller than me Lori!!! Brilliant.

  13. I love the new suits…and honestly, just go have fun. Life is waaaaay too short. You can get back on track when you get home. Listen to Mama. I mean it!

  14. natalie says:

    i also do the no carb thing when i am in a pinch. even if all i end up losing is water weight the scales still show that i weigh less which is what counts…right?

  15. I speak in an obscure German/Russian/Swahili sounding accent while vacaqtioning, and in my home country I am on the slim side, so that’s just how it is.

  16. ooooooo that first bathing suit is pretty. if i buy it, will you yell at me?

  17. Michelle says:

    Those are pretty much all my tips. Just stay drunk the whole time and, well, stay drunk :)

  18. Thanks for the post, something to ponder on


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