Letter to the Family Diet Saboteur

12

Please print and customize. 

Dear (beloved husband/significant other/co-parent/lovely wife/offspring),

You may have noticed that my (butt/gut/thighs) (have/has) spread in the last few (decades/9 months/weeks/holidays) and is now (wider than an ax handle/lookin’ like a pony keg/preventing me from wearing corduroy as friction may ignite a thigh fire).

I am trying to (lose a few pounds/shrink the muffin top/fit into my old football jersey/see my toes/be able to go upstairs without requiring oxygen). I have decided to (count calories/reduce carbohydrates/switch to light beer/move around more). You may notice strange things in the crisper next to the bacon, they’re called vegetables.

I will do this with or without your support but seeing as I (let you get the big screen t.v./tolerate your mother/never missed Muffins w/Mom/never missed Dough-nuts with Dads) would appreciate you respect my choices. Please don’t (offer me seconds/leave leftover pizza/order an extra french fry). When you say (but it’s a birthday party/it’s only one/you deserve a treat/keep baking yummy cookies) I know you’re trying to be nice but it does not help me. When I talk about my eating plan and you (roll your eyes/snort/laugh about it with your mother) it makes me feel (angry/sad/lonely/a teensy bit murdery).

Because I know you love me and want me around to (wash the socks/mow the lawn/drive you places/destroy couple_100you when we play Jeopardy) for years to come. Here are a few ways you can (help/stay out of my way). The proper way to ask me about my progress is to say how was your weigh in NOT did you lose anything? If I say (good/fine/horrifying) this means I’ve (not lost/gained/want to beat someone up) and you should just (give me a hug/suggest we take a walk together/shut up). If I say I lost weight you can say (you look so great/way to go/I still don’t think you need to lose an ounce).  I may or may not share how much I’ve lost or gained.

If I have inspired you to (get off your butt/eat a carrot/buy me something nice) great! But if you continue to (laugh at me/push food on me/load the dishwasher like a psychopath) I will file it away on the list I keep in my head. If you are supportive it will also be duly noted.

And keep in mind I (love you just the way you are/support your choices/think you’re the bees knees/know you let me win at Jeopardy) and that taking care of my health means I can better take care of you. If you disregard this letter I have no choice but to invite MY mother to come live with us.

Love,

The Nurturing Dieter

Letter to the Family Diet Saboteur



Comments

12 Responses to “Letter to the Family Diet Saboteur”
  1. Miss Britt says:

    And… Print.

    Miss Britts last blog post..Another boy – with foreskin

  2. GretaKiki says:

    Bless you Miss Britt.

  3. furiousball says:

    i’m going to attack you with my brownie bazooka, say ahhh

    furiousballs last blog post..membership has no privileges unless you’re into late 30s divorced, software developers from Jersey

  4. Kiki says:

    furious is that a low fat brownie bazooka because then that would be supportive

    Kikis last blog post..Letter to the Family Diet Saboteur

  5. Kel says:

    Another awesome letter!

    I think I will print one copy for each offender in my house. And as part of my “make housework my workout plan” (inspired by your laundry workout post a ways back) I will wad each letter up and throw it vigorously at the appropriate person.

    Kels last blog post..Why I don’t totally suck

  6. Candance says:

    Would it be wrong for me to staple the above letter to
    David’s forehead? Or a body part a little further south?

    Candances last blog post..So, This is What It’s Like to Have a Grown-up Job

  7. honestly, this is absolutely fan-freaking-tastic.

    WeightingGames last blog post..5 Ways to Master Your Emotions

  8. GretaKiki says:

    Thanks you guys and please… print it and staple it wherever you need!

    Kiki

  9. Rachelle says:

    That was SO funny!

  10. Kelley says:

    BRILLIANT! Just a little editing needed. My mother living with us would be hell on earth. For me. How about my favourite American chick… THAT would be awesome.

    Kelleys last blog post..Best laid plans.

  11. collect bag says:

    Thanks you guys and please… print it and staple it wherever you need!

    Kiki
    .-= collect bag´s last blog ..Stars demonstrate platoon dust coat =-.

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