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Dear (beloved husband/significant other/co-parent/lovely wife/offspring),

You may have noticed that my (butt/gut/thighs) (have/has) spread in the last few (decades/9 months/weeks/holidays) and is now (wider than an ax handle/lookin’ like a pony keg/preventing me from wearing corduroy as friction may ignite a thigh fire).

I am trying to (lose a few pounds/shrink the muffin top/fit into my old football jersey/see my toes/be able to go upstairs without requiring oxygen). I have decided to (count calories/reduce carbohydrates/switch to light beer/move around more). You may notice strange things in the crisper next to the bacon, they’re called vegetables.

I will do this with or without your support but seeing as I (let you get the big screen t.v./tolerate your mother/never missed Muffins w/Mom/never missed Dough-nuts with Dads) would appreciate you respect my choices. Please don’t (offer me seconds/leave leftover pizza/order an extra french fry). When you say (but it’s a birthday party/it’s only one/you deserve a treat/keep baking yummy cookies) I know you’re trying to be nice but it does not help me. When I talk about my eating plan and you (roll your eyes/snort/laugh about it with your mother) it makes me feel (angry/sad/lonely/a teensy bit murdery).

Because I know you love me and want me around to (wash the socks/mow the lawn/drive you places/destroy you when we play Jeopardy) for years to come. Here are a few ways you can (help/stay out of my way). The proper way to ask me about my progress is to say how was your weigh in NOT did you lose anything? If I say (good/fine/horrifying) this means I’ve (not lost/gained/want to beat someone up) and you should just (give me a hug/suggest we take a walk together/shut up). If I say I lost weight you can say (you look so great/way to go/I still don’t think you need to lose an ounce).  I may or may not share how much I’ve lost or gained.

If I have inspired you to (get off your butt/eat a carrot/buy me something nice) great! But if you continue to (laugh at me/push food on me/load the dishwasher like a psychopath) I will file it away on the list I keep in my head. If you are supportive it will also be duly noted.

And keep in mind I (love you just the way you are/support your choices/think you’re the bees knees/know you let me win at Jeopardy) and that taking care of my health means I can better take care of you. If you disregard this letter I have no choice but to invite MY mother to come live with us.

Love,

The Nurturing Dieter

Letter to the Family Diet Saboteur