Halloween is two days away and we’re here to help. At this point you’re not going to be any thinner on October 31st than you are right now SO we’re going to outline a few strategies to look slimmer. Who cares if you are slimmer as long as you appear slimmer.

These costumes will make you appear thinner:

Slutty Witch – Hitch up the girls and witch out. Keep their “eye of newt” up top and no one will notice the rest. Or even if you have a face.
French Maid – Again, the neighborhood children and dads won’t care if there’s a little jiggle in the feather duster. If your legs are your best feature I’d say oui!
Hobo – Carry a broken clock as a watch, wear the biggest sport coat you can find and use a rope to tie some giant pants. For a special twist carry a sign that says “Buddy can you spare a 401k?” In today’s economy everyone will think you’re being ironic, instead of trying to hid your back fat.
Anything Costume That Incorporates a Wig or Hairpiece – Keep your hair high, big or bright orange and it’s like an optical illusion for the rest of your junk.
Angelina Jolie - Suprisingly this can make you look thinner. Wear a long dark wig (see above), strap several dolls to any area of the body you’d like to hide then add some red lipstick and it’s go time. 

These costumes should be avoided:

Sarah Palin – The woman is in shape AND she’s got the high hair, why even try?
Tina Fey – The woman is tiny, why even try?
Morticia Adams – Under no circumstances should you put on a long form fitting black velvet stretchy dress. Unless you’ve got a Spanxs arrangement that goes from neck to ankles under that get-up, your rolls will be on display doll. And we’re trying to hide them.
Marilyn Monroe -  If you manage to look good as Marilyn everyone will be really mad at you and jealous. So wait, maybe you should dress up as Marilyn? But be careful you don’t want them to think you’re Anna Nicole because that’s a thin line.

So anyone like to chime in with their best costume ideas?