Dear 2009 Diet,

I come to you as damaged goods. I’ve been hurt by other diets. First there was the abuse. I mean what would you call a diet that forces you eat leak soup for an entire weekend? Or one that asks you to balance everything you eat with a Rube Goldberg system of nuts and oils. And then there’s the diet that forces you to let other people see your weight? Yeah, abuse.

My old diets also took my money. My old diets spent my hard earned cash on who knows what? That’s money I could have blown on vodka and lottery tickets or set on fire.  My money’s gone but my back fat and neck waddle isn’t.

I was hot and heavy (mostly heavy) with my old diets. But it never lasted.

Some people say I’ve been on too many diets. That I can never diet again. They say it’s me not the diet. Or that my body is as some sort of set point and dieting is a waste of time. They’ll laugh when they see me with you. You are so young. I don’t care what “they” say about us.  

I’m telling you this as we start our relationship because I think honesty is important. (Except don’t ask me to be honest about my real wait, ’cause forget it.) I want this to work out. I think you could be “the one.” But I’m older now. I’ve lived a life. So don’t make promises to me you can’t keep. I’m bitter. I’m apt to not trust you and I’ll likely dump you if you do anything that makes me mad.

However if you show me some results, like maybe 2-3 pounds lost in the first week and a pound a week after for the first month. I may keep you around. IF our relationship lasts until February 14th I will expect a major gift on Valentines Day. I’m talking something in a smaller size. Because by then I’ll be ten pounds lighter right? RIGHT?

So let’s do this thing 2009 Diet. Let’s watch Oprah, buy foods you like, cook something wacky, get out the tape measure, heck I’ll even introduce you to my friends!

Just one more question: Where you been all my life?

Cautiously yours,

Me

Letter to the 2009 Diet Printable