Wardrobe Staples for a Fat Summer (Just in Case)
If the Not Another Fat Summer thing falls through and we don’t quite look like Valerie Bertinelli by summer time there a few things that can get us through the season in style.
Bathing Suit Cover Up
This is a must have. You’ll be wearing your suit underneath but no one will see it. To avoid taking off the cover up you can pretend to care that everyone else has a drink of water, enough sunscreen,and a snack.
One Piece Bathing Suit
If you think a tankini is the perfect suit to disguise your problem areas you are butt-arse wrong. Tankinis fool the wearer into thinking they are almost in a bikini. They are not. Takinis squish the fat from the top down and the fat from the bottom up into a roll that oozes out at the middle. The ONE PIECE contains this extra stuff. The tankini does not. If you wear a bikini you’re saying “this is what I look like and I know you like it.” (We respect this type of moxie). The tankini says “let’s pretend I’m not jiggly.” The one piece says “I can jump in and they’ll be no surprises.” Get a one piece bathing suit.
Darling Skirts that Fall Just Above the Knee
SHORTS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS! But it is 90 degrees. If you walk around in jeans you’ll risk hospitalization due to heat stroke and everyone will know you are uncomfortable in every way. A skirt that hits just above the knee says, hey, “it’s summer – let’s have some lemonade!” Shorts say, “lordy, look at those thighs!”" Get a few cute skirts.
T-Shirts in Bright Colors (with sleeves)
Look you get three or four t-shirts that can go with those cute skirts and you’re good to go. And yes sleeveless is in right now but if you’re afraid your triceps aren’t quite there, sleeves are fine. We’re classic dressers not mindless followers of every fad. It is our policy to only follow the fads that make us look smoking hot.
Pedicure
A nice pedicure says, “I care about my appearance.”
My personal favorite is the “slimming” swimsuit. Unless it extends from my ankles to my neck, there is no way the swimsuit is going to be slimming. I love your suggestions.
Have you seen the mostest adorable skorts in the Land’s End cattie? Perfection! Bathing suit, not so much
Um, what if you have fat knees? Yes, they are FAT! Skirts that hit just above them only emphasize their fatness and the very large butt! Afraid I’ll have to stick to capris for yet another summer. Thanks for the advice though.
You had me jiggling all over while listening to you the other night on BlogTalk Radio with Audrey and Erika! (One good thing about extra jiggle is that it gets completely engaged while laughing!) I am going on 57 and am a grandma of 9… so you can only imagine the tips I must take before heading to the beach or pool (or even to my back yard) in a bathing suit. I have taken keen interest in the women my age who head to the beach with full-body spray tans, layers of gold jewelry, bedazzled flip-flops and and sparkling sarongs. Hmmm… maybe they really do know a thing or two about disguising and averting attention!!