Spray Tan Confessional


Dancing with the Stars is in full swing again and really it combines two things I’m interested in, losing weight and tanning. I also like sequins and it has tons of those.

Marie Osmond says Dancing with the Stars AND Nutri-System helped her shed 40 pounds, it looks like Kirstie Alley is shrinking before our eyes!

You can also have someone airbrush you. I found this too intimate and went with the booth that drops a tan grenade on you.

I am some what disheartened by this because these stars are spending all day dancing. Who can exercise 4 hours a day? Lottery winners and Madonna. That’s it. Really. If 4 hours of exercise is the requirement I better just get used to this size.

What I can commit to is the spray tan aspect of Dancing with the Stars. I recounted my tanning journey the other day. It was a saga that will no doubt lead to the Land of the Suspicious Looking Moles. But since I no longer have time to exercise or lay around by the pool I too have followed the steps of the dancers and have experienced a spray tan.

If you too are considering a spray tan, here’s what to expect: First you have to exfoliate. This means you rub loofah or some other rough thing all over your parts. This way you rid your skin of uh.. foliates. Or in laymen’s terms dead skin gets SUPER TAN and you don’t want to be that tan on your elbows.

I chose a spray tan place close to the strip clubs because I reasoned – if strippers come here it must be good. (But to give credit where credit is due I think Socrates said that first in the original Latin.)

First you’ve got to watch a video on how to stand in the booth. For safety of course. Then they give you goggles but I was advised by one of the strippers that the goggles are unnecessary. You only need to protect your eyes if you need to like read or something later. A shower cap protects your hair extensions or in my case the cap shields my soccer mom-bob-cut.

Then comes the lotion. Slather up the tops of your feet, hand and toe webbing, knees, elbows and palms. Anywhere you think a tan would look odd ought to have the lotion barrier. It’s like a force field. I was also cautioned not to put lotion on the bottom of your feet. Two reasons for not lubing up the bottom of your feet: One, you’re standing on them and so they won’t get sprayed; and Two you’ll be slipperier than a stripper pole fulla baby oil if you lotion up the soles of your feet, fool. I follow the advice because I don’t want to look like an amateur.

I was also cautioned that the spray tan booth might induce a panic, it’s small and the tan stuff sort of explodes at you. The employees at the spray tan place said I should just calm down and remember that the spray tan was not napalm. It was good haze and it would make me pretty. I was told to stand with my arms out so the jets would get everywhere.

The strippers send me in with good wishes. I steel my resolve entered the booth. I pressed the button and closed my eyes. A menacing hum rattles the walls and then BAM! It’s like a someone threw a tan grenade in the booth. I do experience the urge to scream and run but I muscle it down. Then BAM! Another bomb goes off and my backside is hosed down by the tan machine. I remember from my video that the second BAM should be it in terms of explosive emissions from the booth.

I tried to hold my breath because I don’t think inhaling tan vapor is a good idea for healthy health. Plus I worried that tan inner nostrils might indeed look odd. I forced myself to stay calm as the vapor settled. I’d been advised that I had paid for every drop of this fake tan and to walk out now would be like throwing singles away. I worked hard for those singles. (wait, I didn’t, the strippers did, I wrote a check)

But that was it. I bid adieu to my new friends. A few hours later I was a toned golden goddess. Well okay not toned. But my body did have the illusion of health and fitness. And really that was my goal to seem healthy and fit. I don’t have the time to actually BE healthy and fit but if I seem it to others emission accomplished.

So I hope this helped if you’re considering a spray tan. If you’re planning to exercise for 4 hours a day. I got nothin.

(This originally appeared on April 14th 2008. It’s been fairly popular so I thought I’d exfoliate it and post it today. Godspeed Spray Tanners!)

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