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There was this chocolate cake in the refrigerator. It was from the store. It was supposed to go with us to a thing LAST week but we forgot it. It was in the fridge for OVER a week. I know. I’m pretty impressive willpower wise. Throughout the week it gained power. It spoke with its Chocolate Cake Brainwaves to my The Chocolate Cake is Psychically Talking To Me Ears.

Day One
Chocolate Cake: You forgot to take me to that thing.
Me: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! (Bloodcurdling psychic scream)
Chocolate Cake:  It’s cool. Now YOU can binge on me.
Me: No I can’t everyone knows that you’re in there. If I binge on you today everyone will know it was me. Plus I’m living a healthy lifestyle.

Mid Week
Me: See. I totally forgot  you were in there. I’m so cured.
Chocolate Cake: You is jolly.

This Weekend
Chocolate Cake: You’re doing so good. Wow. It’s Sunday afternoon, you’re going with grapes? I’m jealous.
Me: Yep. How are you? Say hi to your mom for me. I’m going for a run.

Monday Afternoon After a Series of Monday Like Sheet Happened
Me: I’m throwing  you out. You’ve gone bad.
Chocolate Cake: JUST HAVE SOME OF MY FROSTING. NOW.

Tuesday Morning
Me: Where are my stretchy pants and self-respect. Chocolate cake?? I can’t hear you anymore.
Me: Chocolate Cake?
Chocolate Cake: Well my guts are in the garbage and my frosting is in your guts!
Me: Sniff sniff (psychic whimper)

Whether you lost or gained or maintained this week with  your weight, it’s easy to get schlumpy. It’s easy to fall into the mindset of NOT spiffing up because you’re waiting to lose weight. Or perhaps you’ve been too busy lately to pull it together. Maybe volunteering to be room mom means your afraid you’ll get snot on  your nice clothes, or perhaps at work you’ve worn the same black dress with black sweater every Wednesday since Wednesdays were invented. (Ahem, clearly I’m referring to myself here.)

Anyhoo…. dress it up a little this week. Even for one day. Test run something you might wear over the the holidays. I guarantee you’ll stand up a little straighter and choose healthy snacks all day. Okay maybe not that second part.

If your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too? NO!

We recently read Bethenny Frankel A Place of Yes: 10 Rules for Getting Everything You Want Out of Life (See all Success Books)  – it’s a good little read. With a nod to the Skinny Girl we’re turning it around today for our diets.  Come with us to  A Place of No.

We say no to kids to protect them, to teach, and because we love them. No doesn’t have to be a negative. NO can be the most powerful word in the world. In fact when we’ve been told no in life (no you can’t get a promotion) we’ve figured out how to get around that word. The NO became a challenge. Fuel.

Maybe all the diet talk couched in sugar-coated positive thinking needs to be up-ended just for today? Let’s open a can of NO.

Here goes…

Are you a quitter?  No.  Are you average? No. Are you dead? No. Are you going to die if you don’t eat right now? No. Are you weak? No. Do you want to do crack? No. (Just a throwback to the Just Say No era of drug prevention.) Are you a binge eater? No. Are you fitting into a size 6? No. Does being a size 14 make you a bad person? No.  Are you incapable of change? No. Are you a natural blonde? No.Should you skip exercise? No. Are your legs broken? No. Does thin equal happy? No. Are you incapable of learning? No. Is there some law that says you HAVE to eat a sugar snack every afternoon? No.

Is where you ARE where you always will BE? NO!!!

When you hear NO  – say how high? What? Scratch that, it makes no sense.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled positive thinking programs.

The ancient wisdom indicates you should get your a@$ moving.

So I’m up. Not in mood, though I’m okay there, but up in weight. It’s hardly surprising. I spent the last two months thinking about, inventing, testing, and baking desserts. It was out of necessity and to achieve a goal. I HAD to be all desserts all the time if I wanted to compete in a really cool contest. And don’t get me wrong, dessert in moderation is perfection. Desserts in the quantities I consumed them, mania. Several days when I was inventing I ate nothing but batter from the beaters and licks off spatulas from morning to night. Yep. I’m admitting it. So NOW I’ve got some work to do. Fifteen pounds of work.

Part of me says, why start again? Why not just be the size I am? It’s not too bad. That’s a BIG voice in my head, the voice that says oh screw it, you’re fine. Why start again, work to lose, fight for health, strength, and brief flashes of smokin’ hotness? At first I had no answer so I turned to that old sage, my Oracle, oh yes, Google.

These quotes are helping me get back in balance and fight to reclaim my healthy weight.

The longer I live the less confidence I have in drugs and the greater is my confidence in the regulation and administration of diet and regimen.  *John Redman Coxe, 1800Ignoring healthy eating doesn’t mean you stay the same. Long term disregard for healthy diet means you get more tired, slower, and your numbers (blood pressure/blood sugar/cholesterol) go up. It always catches up with you. Eventually. The fewer drugs you need for all those things the more money you save. Relying on your own body instead of pharmacy is a good thing.

Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it.  *Plato Ignoring exercise and motion doesn’t mean you retain what you’ve got. Yes, right now, I can run two miles, and walk another three on top of it. But the minute you STOP moving, your body goes with that. Soon you lose that strength and before you know it bringing the laundry up the stairs FEELS like running two miles. Soon you’re calling in your kids to operate the can opener for you. No thanks.

The superior man does not, even for the space of a single meal, act contrary to virtue. *Confucius Ignoring your issues with food means the dang food wins. I have issues with food. I eat when I’m bored, stressed, am breathing. As a goal oriented person it is important to me to balance those issues, and yes conquer them most days. Ignoring the fact that I have issues with food means I’m letting the issues win. I will not let potato chips or cookies be the boss of ME. Dangit.

If you have to diet you may as well have a riot! Rebecca Regnier

Yes, I said it. I live it. Dr. Dukan probably said it better with, “Anything you do without pleasure annoys. Anything you do with suffering destroys.”But you get the drift. My creative purpose in life is to make this pain in the ass reality of counting/lifting/sensible choice making/willpowering MORE FUN! Why not? Lifelong health is not a given. Maybe you’re lucky to just HAVE it. I am not. So if it is a lifelong project I’m going to make it more fun.

So yeah. I’m back in the diet humor business. Join me?

This is what it looks like when we fall off the Die..er Health Wagon. Notice the horns?

SO in one week of being totally off the Health Wagon we’re looking at a month’s worth of snail’s progress BLOWN! Yep, we’re dealing with quite a nice little gain. GAH! (Remember how we lost the equivalent of a hamster one week and celebrated?)

SO Here’s Five Steps to Get Back on the Die.. er Health Wagon- After Vaction

1. Water – Drink it like it’s your job.
2. Workout – Do something that gets you really sweaty. We’re trying to shake loose the vacation visitors. Since these are newish pounds a good shake could break off a chunk.
3. Immerse – Get out your weight loss books, magazine, goal outfit, realistic body picture, whatever it takes! Overwhelm your senses with the reasons you’re doing this and the goals you’ve set.
4. Weigh-In Moratorium – Okay so you weighed in once to assess the damage. Avoid the scale for the next three days. Let your Back on the Wagon plan work.
5. Accept the Vacation As Part of Your Lifestyle - Either this is the moment that you return to your previous habits OR you remember that you like vacations. They are fun. You’re not going to give up vacations. You hope to have more vacations SO you have to have a plan to deal with them in your healthy lifestyle.

Of course we could vow to eat sensibly on all future vacations… ah scratch that…. this Healthy Lifestyle crap takes baby steps. Let’s deal with this little step and worry about next year next year!